


Climbing Walls

by Grey (grey853)



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Drama, Episode Related: neighborhood, First Times, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 05:04:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/794229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grey853/pseuds/Grey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After "Neighborhood Watch" Blair tried to find a way through Jim's defenses.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Climbing Walls

## Climbing Walls

by Grey

Author's webpage: <http://grey.ravenshadow.net/>

Author's disclaimer: They're not mine and never will be, but that's just a small detail.

* * *

Climbing Walls  
by Grey 

Jim Ellison entered the loft definitely relieved to be home. He hated undercover work, always had. Working in the neighborhood pretending to be married to Megan Conner didn't change his opinion one bit. Dropping his bag by the door, he slipped off his jacket and hung it up. Behind him he heard a grunt and the sound of rustling paper and plastic in the hallway. "You got everything under control there, Chief?" 

"Yeah, man, but I probably should've made two trips." 

"Just leave some of it in the hall and I'll get the other stuff in a minute." 

Reaching into the refrigerator, he grabbed a beer as his partner struggled with putting the groceries up on the counter while still holding on to his last suitcase. "It's okay. I've got it." Giving the bag one quick shove to make sure it didn't fall off, the younger man grinned and then motioned his head at Jim's drink. "Hey, man, get me one of those, will you? I'm parched." 

"I guess so, Junior, you've been busy all afternoon." 

"Yeah, well, it's been a hectic week, man." Swinging his baggage on his own bed, Blair walked back over and took the offered bottle. He twisted off the cap and took a deep swallow before dropping down onto the couch. "God, I'm so glad to be home, Jim. Don't ever suggest I play nephew to the bickering Ellisons ever again. What a pain in the ass." 

"Bickering Ellisons?" 

"Yeah, you and Megan are quite a dysfunctional couple, man. You drove me crazy. One more day and I would've paid for my own therapy just to keep from putting us all out our misery." 

Jim stepped over to sit down at the other end of the couch. His friend's normally bright features reflected pale, the energetic sparkle in his blue eyes absent. "I'm sorry, Chief. It's just that the woman gets on my nerves." 

"No, shit. You two are so competitive, it's not even funny." 

"Competitive? No way." 

"Yes, way, Jim. Why do you think you two are always fighting? Competition, man. I swear, you're going to send Simon to early retirement and me into Conover before it's over." 

Jim took a drink and rubbed his forehead. "You're exaggerating, Chief. We're both just tired. Why don't we put away the groceries and either fix something or order out? I think I'm due for an early night." 

Finishing off his beer, Blair stood up shaking his head. "Man, I am not exaggerating. One of these days, I'm going to tape the two of you and then force you to watch it. I don't think you truly appreciate how bad it is, Jim." Walking over the kitchen, he started putting away the bread and then the milk, leaving the lettuce, tomato, and carrots out to make dinner. 

Taking in the slow, deliberate moments helped Jim monitor the high level of fatigue. Knowing that his running clash with his female coworker helped cause a good portion of it only made his guilt worse. Blair hated conflict, would go miles out of his way to avoid it. During the stake out he'd been held a captive audience with a front row seat to an almost non-stop battle of wills. No wonder his eyes looked like deep bruises. 

"I'm sorry, Chief. Hey, tell you what. Don't make the salad. We'll just order some Chinese or pizza on me." 

The grad student stopped and scanned his friend with suspicion. "Why? What's the catch?" 

"Well, you're right about Conner and me. I'm used to it, I guess, but I'm sure it was pretty miserable for you. Let's just call it a peace offering." 

Sighing, he nodded as he started wrapping up the vegetables. "Okay, Jim. Normally I'd probably let it go and say, no, good buddy, you don't have to do that, but after this hell week, I'm going for it, man. My good favor's pretty cheap. Buy away. I want fried rice with lots of veggies." 

"Sounds good. I'll call." 

"Good, because I'm taking a shower and getting out of these dirty clothes." 

As he headed for the bathroom, Jim noted the slump of shoulders and wondered again if only physical weariness caused his friend's low spirits. Blair's attachment to Katie Johnson and her daughter Rachel worried him. Sure, Katie said she wouldn't be going into the witness protection program again, but Jim knew better. With Lonnie Stevens still able to put out hits as easily as calling his lawyer, she and her daughter lived as targets. He wondered if Blair realized that or not. 

Picking up the phone, he placed the order and then listened as the shower ran behind the door. Just the steamy moisture raised the air temperature enough to trigger a reaction of his sentinel senses. He leaned against the counter, sipping, and imagining how he wanted life to be. Closing his eyes, he visualized the firm buttocks of his partner, the cock and balls nestled in a black nest of curls, the defined muscles across the well-proportioned back. In his vision he saw Blair soaping himself up, sliding the cloth across his own body, the globes of his tight ass rinsing free of the cleansing suds. He dreamed of caressing the rising erection, the hard heat gripped in a stroking hand. His own thighs tingled at the urge to thrust his groin against the naked backside of his partner. 

As the water shut off, he opened his eyes and willed himself to ignore his own arousal at forbidden thoughts. Moving away from the counter, he finished his beer and got another before walking over to the window. He stared out at gloomy storm clouds massing for a downpour, the wind already bending trees and whipping the bushes sideways. 

In a better world he'd be taking a shower and making love to his best friend. Instead he spent most of his energy hiding his attraction, denying it not only to everyone else, but pushing it as far away from his waking thoughts as possible. What good did it do to pretend it would ever happen, that he could ever possibly live with being in love with another man? He knew the truth and the future didn't hold any happy endings in the romance department, not with a history like his. The thought drove him to keep sipping at the bottle, wetting down the growing lump in his throat, a thick chunk of hurt that didn't want to stay down. 

Blair padded barefoot into the hallway to go to his room, his jeans drooping down on his bony hips. Shocked at the gaunt appearance, Jim asked, "Hey, Chief, you losin' weight?" 

"Just a few pounds, nothing big. Man, I have so got to do some laundry. No wonder you always said you hated going undercover. There's just too many things to do when you get home." 

Jim stepped to stand in the doorway while his partner scrounged around through his drawers looking for a clean t-shirt. "You're thin enough, Blair. You don't need to lose any more weight." 

"Thin? Yeah, right. Besides, it's only a few pounds. Don't make a big deal out of it. Look, maybe I should run this stuff to the washing machine tonight. We've only got one towel clean, too. Man, what a pain in the ass. Jim, we need a maid, man." 

Still pushing, Jim persisted. "How much, Chief?" 

"I don't really know. What difference does it make?" Avoiding eye contact, Blair pulled on his white shirt and then reached for a comb to deal with his wild mass of wet hair. 

"The difference is I thought you were wearing baggy clothes just because it's a style thing. I never realized it until just now, but your color doesn't look all that good either. What's going on, Chief? Are you sick or something?" 

Blair sat down on his bed, tucking his right leg under him. Trying not to make anymore tangles, the younger man continued to work at grooming his unruly hair while he spoke. "No, man. I'm not sick, just tired. The last few months have been really tough, Jim. You know that. We've both been busy and a lot of pretty nasty things have happened." 

"Things? What things?" Jim came out of the doorway into the room and pulled the desk chair closer to the bed before he sat down. 

Shifting away, Blair repositioned himself on the bed, his legs crossed, his back against the headboard. "I'm really tired, Jim. Dinner should be here in a minute. Can't we talk about this later?" 

"No, Chief. What things?" 

"Roy, for one. Then there was the thing with your dad and Lila, not to mention the fishing fiasco at Clayton Falls. Now this." 

"What this? What the hell are you talking about, Sandburg?" 

"This thing with Katie, man." His voice sounded both sad and defeated, the words just limping out. Frustrated with lack of progress on the hair front, Blair put the comb down and used both hands to push it back away from his face. With his head down though, it didn't do much good. It all just fell right back like a wavy black veil. 

"I didn't know she meant that much to you, Chief. I mean, you've only known her a few days." 

"I know, but it just feels different somehow. With Rachel, well, it just made me feel good for a change, that's all." 

"For a change? What are you saying, that you don't feel good the rest of the time?" 

Glancing up, finally making eye contact, dark blue eyes met with Jim's. None of the usual joy made it to the clear surface, only a wide sorrow lengthening the shadow under the brows. "It's hard to explain, Jim. It's just that lately I've been a little down, that's all. It was really nice just to feel normal again." 

"Normal? Come on, Chief. You've never been normal." The weak attempt at humor fell flat. 

"I knew you wouldn't understand, man." As he started to get up, Jim placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. 

"Wait, Chief. I'm sorry. I wasn't making fun of you. I just don't get why you'd need to feel normal. What exactly does that mean?" 

"I'm not sure." Blair settled back down and tried to explain. "It's just that I liked pretending that there weren't any serial killers or assassins lurking around. I mean, I know that's stupid, especially considering what happened with Stevens showing up like he did. It was still nice to make believe that just for a moment I might have a chance to just maybe meet somebody and maybe have a family." 

"Have a family?" 

"Yeah, you know, take care of Katie and Rachel. Be a husband and a father." 

Jim stood up, the whole world an out-of-control dervish, the room a painful spin. He braced himself on the bureau to keep from losing his balance. "Chief, you just met this woman. You really thought about getting married?" 

"No, not really." 

"Thank god, Chief. You had me worried for a minute." The earth settled back to its rightful place. 

"Gee, thanks, Jim. What's that supposed to mean? You don't think I could ever find somebody?" 

"Not at all, Blair. That's not what I meant. I just meant that it was a little too soon when you didn't really know her." 

"I know. I kind of liked the idea though, you know being a father. You ever thought about that, Jim, having a kid?" 

Swallowing hard, Jim wet his lips and found his seat again before he spoke. "Carolyn and I talked about it some. Right before we broke up, we talked about it a lot." 

"And?" 

"The timing never worked. With us both working so much, it wouldn't have been right to have a kid. We were going to wait, but then we sort of drifted apart." 

Blair settled back, more relaxed as he brought his knees up. "You never talk about that much, Jim." 

"I know. Nobody likes to talk about failure." 

"Maybe you two just weren't meant to be. I mean, I didn't know her that well, but you didn't seem to have a lot in common." 

"We didn't, but we did have some good times. It wasn't all bad. It's just that we wanted different things." Jim looked away, suddenly nervous. 

"What? What is it?" 

"Nothing." Jim stood up and headed out of the room. 

The knock on the door signaled the arrival of supper. As soon as Jim paid for the meal, he started getting down the plates while Blair sat at the table staring. "You know I hate when you do that, Jim." 

"What?" 

"Start to open up and then close down." He played with the edge of the placemat while Jim finished setting the table. 

"You want another beer, Chief?" 

"Sure." As the older man handled him the bottle, Blair started talking again. "Jim, tell me what happened with you and Carolyn." 

"It's history, Chief. I was a different person then." 

"We all change, Jim. But you said you and Carolyn wanted different things. What did you mean by that?" 

Jim sat down, still not talking. He spooned out the rice and some sesame chicken on his plate. After a few more tense moments between them, he finally spoke, his voice strained. "Why do you need to know this, Chief? Why's it important to you to know why my marriage failed?" 

"I guess because it's a big part of you." 

"My failures?" 

"No, the people you loved." 

The heat in the room skyrocketed. "I haven't loved very many people, Chief." 

"But you did love, Carolyn, right? I mean, you married her." 

"And divorced her." 

"True, but let's face it, Jim, that's a pretty big step. So, if you married her, she must have been pretty special." 

Putting the fork down, Jim pushed the dish away, and drank some before he spoke. "Yeah, she was. Like I said we had a lot of good times, but mostly we just sort of lived together. It was comfortable with Carolyn mostly. But later on, she got frustrated with me. Said I didn't open up enough. I always thought we had a good sex life, but again she complained that I wouldn't talk enough about my feelings. I figured if I was sleeping with her that was enough to let her know I loved her, but obviously not. She needed a lot more than I could give. Like I said, I was a different person back then. Closed off." 

"Jim, you're still closed off." The knife cut of the words bled against his skin, the sticky truth of it like scalded blood. 

"Thanks, Chief." 

"You're better now about sharing some things, but you still keep a lot more inside than most people. It's like you have all these walls around you. If a person can climb high enough and fast enough, he might get a peek at the real James Ellison, but then the guard comes back up and the person's out on his ass." 

"What are saying, Chief? You think I'm keeping you at a distance?" 

"Yeah, I do. Sometimes." 

Standing, Jim cleared his uneaten meal from the table in stony silence. He got down some plastic containers and started cleaning up. 

"There you go again, Jim. Closing down." Blair remained seated, his voice steady but tight. 

"I don't want to talk about this anymore. Anyway, how did this all come around to me? We started out talking about why you've been down lately." 

"Maybe they're connected." 

Jim stopped working at the counter and stared at his friend. "What does that mean, Chief? I'm depressing you?" 

"No, Jim, that's not what I meant. It's just that ever since Roy was killed I've been thinking more about this whole life and then dying deal." 

"I would've thought as a anthropology student you'd run across the concept a few times before now." 

"Yeah, well, reading about it and having it in your face are different. Before I hooked up with the cop thing, I'd only known a few people who'd actually died, and they were mostly older. Being in Cascade has upped the body count experience considerably." 

"It's a dangerous city, that's for sure." 

"I hear that. Anyway, the thing with Roy was that he was my age and he was healthy and had his whole life ahead of him. All of a sudden he's dead and that's that. No more Roy. It's just hard to take that in, you know." 

"Yeah, I do, Chief." 

"Yeah, I guess you do. You've had a few losses, too, huh?" 

"A few." Jim finished washing his plate and then took his beer over to the couch. Slumping down into the cushions, he rested his head on the back, closing his eyes to block out the row of faces running through his memory, Bud, his soldiers in Peru, Danny, Jack, Incacha, Lila. All the images of dead friends and lovers, banished from his life, gaping spaces within himself. Icy air cut across exposed nerves, open wounds never quite healed. 

A hand startled him as Blair eased down, his thigh touching his. "Man, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bum you out like this." 

"I know. I just don't like to think about the past, Chief. It's just too hard sometimes." 

"I understand that, Jim. I do. But what about thinking about now?" 

"What do you mean?" 

Shifting on the couch so he could sit and face his friend, Blair pushed his hair back again before he spoke. "It just seems like lately we've been dancing around something that neither one of us wants to deal with." 

"You're losing me here, Chief? Who's dancing?" 

"We both are." 

Leaning forward, Jim put the bottle on the coffee table and rubbed his mouth. The gnawing fear in his gut waved an alert. "What are you talking about, Chief? I know I'm tired, and that third beer didn't help, but I'm lost. I have no clue here." 

"Just calm down, Jim. Let me explain." Blair scooted in closer, his hand resting on the older man's forearm. His voice, soft and velvety, tingled Jim's nerves from the touch point of his fingers on sentinel skin deep into his groin, his thighs growing heavy with need. 

"Okay then, explain." 

"Jim, despite all your natural warnings, the sensory spikes, your common sense, why do you suppose you tried so hard to make it work with Lila?" 

"What?" The question surprised him. "I don't follow how that relates to anything about us." 

"Just tell me why it was so important to dream about a life with her even though your body put out all kinds of alarms." 

"I don't know. I guess I just remembered the past too much. I thought we had something special before, so why not again?" 

"Jim, you knew her for a week right after you got out of Peru. She was a fantasy. Your body knew that, but why didn't you?" 

"What is this, Chief? Why are we spending all this time going down the list of my lost loves, huh? I mean, if you want to talk romantic failures, we could turn to you and not finish before Christmas." The spiteful words scored a solid hit. 

"Oh, that's great, Jim. Do what you always do. Anything gets close to getting to the truth and you turn it around. Looks like I just got my ass kicked off your wall again." The hurt spun the words into webby traps between them. 

"I'm sorry, Chief. I didn't mean that." 

"Yes, you did, Jim. And you're right, my love life sucks as much or more than yours does. Then again, I think that's all kind of the point." 

"Point? What fucking point, Sandburg? I'm so lost I'm going to need a rescue team to get me out of this maze you've dropped me in. What he hell are you talking about?" 

Standing up, Blair started pacing on the other side of the coffee table, his hands anxious, moving to orchestrate his words. "Don't you think it's strange that neither one of us can ever find anyone, Jim? I mean, we go out of our way to hook up with really bad choices, to sabotage ourselves before we even begin. Don't you think it might be possible that we do that for a reason? Maybe we don't want to be with anybody else. We pick people we know we can't have so we can stay together." 

"Together?" 

"Yeah, you and me. Haven't you ever wondered what would happen to the other if either of us actually did find a woman?" 

Jim sagged back against the sofa, his body tight with the energy of conflict. He wanted so much to just be able to say the words, but he didn't dare. Yet, opportunity stood right there between them, a hand to the future just waiting to be taken. "I've thought about it some. So?" 

"So, what did you think? Did you figure out how you'd feel about that? Do you think it would make a difference?" 

"Of course it would." 

"And do you think that's why neither of us really want to risk it?" 

"It's possible. Yeah, maybe." 

His frantic trek around the carpet slowed to standing, Blair studied him. "Shit, Jim. It's so fucking obvious, I can't believe I never saw this before." 

"See what, Chief? I may be a sentinel, but I'm not seeing anything here." 

"Stop lying, man. How do you feel about me?" 

"I love you, Blair. You're my best friend. I've told you that before." 

"Yeah, I know. And I love you, too, but it never occurred to me that I might actually be in love with you. Man, this is so confusing." 

"Jesus, Chief, did you just say that?" 

"Yeah, I did. So, are you going to run off to the jungle now, because if you are, I am so NOT jumping out of another fucking airplane. Once is enough, man." After a few moments of quiet, Blair sat down beside his silent partner. He made no contact, no breaking of the personal barrier still fully enforced. 

"I know it's a sucker punch and all, Jim, but are you shocked or what?" 

"Shocked doesn't cover it, Blair. Doesn't even come close." Tremors from his deepest core worked up through his bones to his muscles to his skin. Every cell swelled with both fear and joy, a terrible explosive mixture swirling hesitation and courage like twins. 

Turning his head, his eyes pinpoint from the strain of decision, he whispered. "I love you, too, Chief." 

"Really?" 

"Yeah, now do you want to tell me why I want to bite off my tongue rather than say it out loud again?" 

"Man, I don't know, but I hope you don't do that. I've got some wicked plans for that talented tongue of yours. Besides if anyone bites it, I want it to be me." 

The heat of the words spread through his body as the intense blush scorched his skin. "Jesus, Chief. I don't know about this. You don't think it's crazy?" 

"Sure, but seems to me we've already proved crazy sort of suits us." 

"Thanks. Speak for yourself." Even as he said it, Jim reached over and cupped the back of his partner's head, the still damp curls springy against his palm. Drawing the smaller man closer, he captured the full lips and found himself exploring wet heat that sucked his breath away. Swallowing the deep moans, each one vibrated down his throat, the quiver of the sounds filling his lungs with desire. His tongue scraped across the contrast between muscle and teeth, gums and the satin slick of inner cheek. A burst of Chinese spices exploded before Blair pulled back. A hot tongue licked his chin and tiny nips edged up the side of his neck, his ear the victim of a hungry guide. 

"Oh, god, Chief. This is crazy. What the hell are we doing?" 

"Man, it's been way too long if you have to ask." He continued sucking and biting while a busy hand rubbed up and down Jim's chest, each contact fire. A shudder attacked his spine and he shook with the thirst for touch. "Just relax, Jim. I promise not to hurt you." 

"Please, Chief, we should talk about this." 

"No doubt, but not right this minute, Jim. I need you. I want to eat you up right now. Please let me taste you all over, let me touch you like you've never been touched." The hypnotic huskiness of the voice captured his will and Jim closed his eyes before speaking. 

"I love you. I don't want to lose you. This could end us." 

"No way, man. Trust me, Jim. I know we've fucked up in the past with other people, but between us, this is right." The breathy words tickled his ear before hardening his cock even more. Blair lifted his hand, kissing each knuckle, Jim's breaths reduced to panting. "Tell me you don't want this, Jim, and I'll stop. Tell me you do, and it'll never end." 

"Don't stop." Eyes still squeezed shut, he shook all over as his partner unbuttoned his shirt, running his hands up and down the smooth chest. Jim drank in each spider's kiss of tongue touch as Blair nibbled at each nipple, the nubs direct contact with his crotch. Tight nerve wires sizzled the electric jolts to his groin as the busy suckling moved from right to left and then back. A strong hand brushed over his bulge, only his jeans between palm and hungry cock. 

Working down the zipper, Blair whispered, "Lift your hips, Jim. I want to touch you skin to skin." Following his command, his pants went down and off quickly. "God, Jim, you're beautiful." 

Opening his eyes, he watched as the smaller man stripped quickly and kneeled between spread thighs. Lips already swollen from kissing whiskers and all over his body, now swallowed up the tip of his leaking erection. Intense fire flamed up the middle of his crotch, clenching his ass. Belly tight, thighs trembling, fingers rolled his balls to a stunning wave of shudders. Head back, he groaned in a series of curses, chants of praise and surprise that made no sense except to the god of pure pleasure. Speech left for outer space as his entire existence narrowed down to the pure ecstasy of Blair's mouth, his lips and tongue angels of delight, his teeth teasing devils along the tip and shaft. Reason no longer existed, only the branding of passion as a finger slicked with his own juices shoved into his ass, an ambush of pressure and pain building to full force release as Blair sucked hard just as he pressed in the second finger. Nothing prepared him for the explosion that gripped his spine to bone-crushing strength, his whole back arched up into a shooting burst, a flashing of all life, of all meaning. Every muscle surrendered, shook, and contracted at the same time. Collapsing lungs ended breathing and dust in his brain expanded into a nebula of creation and destruction. Nothing mattered except the expanse of sensation that captured him, caged him, and then released him without warning. Reclaiming air, he sank to the couch just as a now naked Blair straddled his hips and took his face in both hands. 

"You're mine, Jim. Now and forever. Do you trust me? 

"Even better. I love you." 

"Good, because from now on, no more lying and no more chasing after people we don't even want." Lush lips pressed to his, drawing his tongue up and out, the lingering musk of his own semen a secret indulgence. 

Blair finally stopped ravaging his mouth long enough to wrap his arms tightly around his chest and to rest his head over his heart. Embracing him there, Jim spoke in a hush. "You're mine, too, Chief. Forever." 

"Yeah, man, I can do forever with my eyes closed." 

Gently lifting his lover's face to his, he kissed each eyelid and then shook his head. "Nope, Chief. Sandburg blue's my favorite color. A guide needs his vision." 

Staring at Jim, Blair smiled. "I know. I was blind long enough, man. Now that I see the truth right here, I'm never going to lose sight of it again." 

"And what is it that you see, Chief?" Fingers traced the fine jawline as he spoke, his voice thick and husky. 

Eyes focused entirely on the sharer of his soul, he whispered. "The future, Jim. For the first time in a long time, we both have a winner to hold on to." 

"You've got that right, Chief." Nestled there, holding on to both anchor and freedom, Jim Ellison gripped his guide, on guard only against his own hope-challenged heart. 

* * *

The End

 


End file.
